AFFL Star Wars Edition: What If AFFL Teams Were Star Wars Characters..
Raffi Lalazarian
Star Wars doesn't come out for a few months, but that didn't stop the AFFL Courier from wondering what these teams would be called if they were Star Wars characters. The writers had a blast free-balling ideas about name tweaks to current AFFL teams. This wasn't just about changing a name that was close to a Star Wars characters, this was about capturing the essence of the AFFL squad if it were in the Star Wars universe. A tough task indeed.
While the list is plentiful of names that we feel are right on point with what the team is about, there were a few that didn't make the list.
- The Gyank Rebo Band
- Cobra Qui-gon
- Primeporer Palpatime
- Jajme Amidala
- Princess Lala
- BDidooku
- Har Solo
- Jajwa
Without further ado, we present the AFFL Star Wars edition. (in Alpha order)
Awesomeness - Owner David
Star Wars Character Name:
Lala Calrissian
Quick, who first uttered the famous phrase "Here goes nothing?" That's right, Awesomeness during the 2008 draft when he took 3 Atlanta falcons. Lando's famous line embodies all that Awesomeness is. Unprepared for drafts. Unfamiliar with rookies. I mean how many times has he uttered "who" during a draft. But in true Billy Dee Williams form, David doesn't waiver. He stays cool and calm even when his team is falling apart. That's Calrissian. A former gambler turned rebel General, the two can mutually say they have shared success. Lando dropped bombs into the death star in the third Jedi film. Likewise, Awesomeness won two titles. Both happened a long time ago, and they've both been insignificant since. Man the similarities are eerie.
Atomic Bomba - Owner Raffi
Star Wars Character Name:
Bomba Fett
3 Titles. Numerous top 2 finishes. Like the fearless bounty hunter from the Star Wars movies, this team has reaped many rewards from his scouring across AFFL land. Fett is just a bad ass, a cool costume wearing outlaw that doesn't take crap from anyone, not even Darth Vader. We've seen this fearlessness in the Bomba on numerous occasions, for example, when he drafted three falcons to win him a title, or Elliot this year banking on the suspension being delayed. Star Wars fans gravitate to Boba because of his cool costume, and let's just face it, being the bomba in the AFFL is cool. At the end of return of the Jedi, Boba Fett is eatin like a pit monster. That doesn't fit into this narative, but we believe it should be noted. Damn, maybe that's why Bomba hasn't won a title in 5 years. He's still cool though. We swear.
BDiddy - Owners Baret, Mike, Tiggy
Star Wars Character Name:
BWoks
Yes, those cute, cuddly, confused little guys. The lone trans-manager team in the AFFL is made up of three managers. In essence, three managers would be 1/3 the size of one full manager. This compares proportionally to the actual size of an Ewok, giving BDiddy a very deep metaphorical, physical connection. Like their little teddy bear Star Wars characters, BDiddy does everything in a group. One person tells the other person, who tells the other person what each of the other two is thinking. This group think is important to their survival, and Ewoks work in groups too. They huddle to tell stories, and fight with a tribal mentality. But they are hardly vicious, and basically poke and throw rocks. That about summarizes BDiddy's smack talk skills. Harmless. But can't you just imagine Bwok Tiggy swinging a rope with rocks around his head and having it wrap around his throat, knocking him in the head and to the floor. Oh it's just priceless. Or Baret accidentally catapulting Mikey into a canopy of trees? Please, someone make these GIFs now.
Cobra Kai - Owner Sayyad
Star Wars Character Name:
Yobra
If you want words of wisdom that don't make much sense, you listen to Yoda. In the AFFL chatroom, that honor belongs to Cobra. With a mix of Armenian and Eastern philosophy, a dolma meets the dumpling if you will, Cobra has rocked the earlobes of managers with witty phrases for years. For example, just this week, in his response to HBK picking up LeVeon Bell's handcuff, Cobra responded "Or let others waste their picks doing so. You'll drop him before the week is over." There are no more picks to waste, this isn't a draft. We don't know what cobra means, but its fun. More importantly, the Yobra is all about mind manipulation. For years, the AFFL Jedi master has convinced managers to pull off lopsided trades in his favor. Everyone knows this, yet it still happens. "Help you I can?" Yeah right. More like "Trade rape you I can. Yes." This little green bastard gives every bad guy the red ass in the Star Wars trilogy. The same can be said of Cobra kai. Cobra has one title but has since faded away. Fitting since that's the way Yoda went out. Here's to cultural connections.
Grabbers United - Owner Sassoon
Star Wars Character Name:
Admiral Grabckar
"It's a trap!" You can just hear Sassoon yelling that to his kids after examining a trade offer from Bomba. Who doesn't like Admiral Akbar? Nobody. Everyone loves Grabbers, the diplomatic, very fair, AFFL manager who just gets a bad beat. However, Grabbers has managed to navigate the AFFL waters twice to make it to the Finals. Like Akbar's face, some seasons have been ugly, but this fish knows how to swim, and swim to the finals he has. Even the facts about Ackbar just sound like they are about Grabbers. For example, Ackbar dedicated his love to the resistance-at the expense of his own legacy. They share humbleness and humility. Also, the pronunciation of Ackbar's name led to some controversy. I think that correlation speaks for itself. How many gay porn searchers have lead men to the Grabbers United team page? I rest my case.
Hartan - Owner Harout, Vartan
Star Wars Character Name:
HaRTusKAN Raiders
The irony is that the tuskan raiders of star wars have metal mouths that are closed, but in the AFFL, Hartan won't shut up. The amount of crap they talk equates to the screams and yells you hear from the Sand People in star wars. They are violent and have a unique way of communicating, kind of like Hartan during the AFFL draft. You don't understand them, but it doesn't matter, as longas they understand themselves. We also have to equate this team with the raiders because, well, for many years they sucked, until they finally got good. Just like the Raiders. Being Armenian, we had to put somebody in the dessert to pay homage to all the armos living in the middle east, and Hartan is reppin' that. The Tuskan Raiders pretty much attack everyone in Starwars, and that holds true for the pair in the AFFL. Unfortunately for the league, their smack talk is as dry and stale as the cracked earth they Tuskan live on. Oh Snap, look out for one of them to hold up their prongs in a menacing way. I call Harout is the first one. Mid-afternoon. Any takers.
HBK Shant Michaels - Owner Shant
Star Wars Character Name:
Luhbk Shantwalker
Raised at an early age on the desert plans of the old AFFL, Luhbk Shantwalker learned the ways of the AFFL force under the tutelage of Bomba Wan-Kanobi. He then went on his own, but was not ready to become a true Jedi. For years he trained, until he finally was strong enough to make it to he AFFL finals, facing off against Darth Vosgee. They fought hard, but ultimately Luhbk Shantwalker would crumble at the hands of Dallas death Star. The battle continued into 2017 where in their continued fight, Luhbk would lose the right hand of his strongest player, and now hangs by his for dear life, near the edge of oblivion. And just as it can't get worse, Darth Vosgee offers Luhbk a chance to join him on the darkside, by offering a trade for his handcuff. At that moment Shant realizes that Vosgee is HBK's Fantasy Daddy.... Nooooooooooo! Luhbk then free falls into Buck Allen and James Conner. To be continued.
Jaj Cousteau - Owner Chris
Star Wars Character Name:
Jaj Jaj Binks
This one is almost too good because it's double the Jaj. The tall lanky clumsy star wars character almost sounds like he is Jajing when he talks. Nothing is closer to Cousteau than this. Whenever he introduces himself with the line "Meesa Jar Jar," he might as well be saying "Meeso horny." Whether it's by his wide-eyed over-reactions or his tongue hanging out of his mouth, it's like he lets us know that he just Jaj'd. Binks has also been banished to the basement of the Star Wars universe after his debut in Phantom menace. Like his Star Wars doppelganger, Cousteau has been relegated to the basement of the AFFL for the past few years, and things aren't exactly looking up this year. Lastly, I leave you with these quotes by Binks from the Phantom menace. They practically scream Jaj, especially the last one, which could be Jar jar's version of the word Jaj.
- "Dis is nutsen."
- “Ay-yee-yee! Wha! Was’n dat. Hey, wait! Oh, mooie-mooie! I love you!”
- “Ex-queeze-me.”
- “I spake!”
Magnum Sev.i - Owner Sevag and Danny
Star Wars Character Name:
Magnum Chew.i
The hairiness just captures the imagination with this one. We can picture it now, Magnum carrying Danny on his back through the desert. It just fits perfectly. Chewbacca is a wookie, and despite 8 seasons in the AFFL, the way Sevag and Danny have managed their team, you'd think they are still wookie's too. They don't really say much on the AFFL chat, merely little small sound bytes, like the groan of Chewy when he doesn't like something. Physically, Sevag is a big guy, and we firmly believe that if he dedicated himself to the cause, he has enough Armenian genetics to fully transform into the hairy Star Wars character. Many aren't aware that Chewy rocks a stache' as well, and for all intents and purposes could be Armenian. It just works on so many levels.
Prime Time - Owner Ara
Star Wars Character Name:
Ara the Hutt
There couldn't have been any other choice. The manager that annoys the heck out of everyone is just as annoying as the oversized beast of Star Wars fame. Jabba is a gangster and crime lord with huge ties to slavery, kind of like when Prime Time tries to nab everyone's back-up RB and hold them hostage. Heck, Jabba even handcuffed Princesses Leia, so he'd fall in love with all the handcuff's on Prime Time's roster. Like Jabba, Prime Time is really integrated into the Politics of the AFFL. His aberration of bi and trans managers would echo Jabba's very conservative political views. Both try to work the political systems of their respective universes, with an emphasis on treaties and paper documents to help establish clause. It's quite striking really. And of course, nobody really understands a word that is being said when both speak. Subtitles are extremely helpful.
Shabam Shadiq - Owner Dre and Avo
Star Wars Character Name:
R2-Diq2 and Sha3PO
So there are two of them right? The best of friends. And when one goes wondering off, the other is often confused and chases after him. It's like Dre staggering after Avo at the draft, "Wait, wait, where are you going? The bastarma can wait... oh fine." It's the blind leading the blind. And they've been doing it for years, just like their Gold and Silver tin character's from the Star Wars series. C3PO is a knowledgeable multi-linguistic robot, but full of worry and fear. R2D2 is more the squeaky, whine, yet courageous of the two. Nothing could be dead on about Shabam and Shadiq. They have a full fledged fear and worry of injury since 2009, and even though Avo talks a big game, it's mostly just beeps and sound effects. Shabam has been redone and remade like the reinvented R2D2 through the series. Ending up on the scrap heap has been a theme for Shabam. We don't doubt that this season things will end with the Diq2 and Sha3PO walking off into the sunset blaming each other for the others mistakes. Ah, nostalgia.
Vosgereechee Gyank - Owner Mardig
Star Wars Character name:
Darth Vosgee
From the HBK storyline, we can see clearly why the Vosgee is Darth Vosgee. After last season, he is Luhbk's Daddy. He harnessed the power of the Dallas Death Star (bailey) and used it to defeat Shantwalker. But going deeper we see a lot of ties to the Gyank and Vadar. Both have only won once (Empire Strikes Back for Vadar, and last season for Vosgee). Both have really cool looks, (Vosgee logo are brass knuckle). Both work with machines. And there are so many times when you have played the Vosgee or seen his team after the draft and said, "Damn, the team looks legit" like the look of a cool, cruel Vadar. But remove the facade and its ugly. It's all ugly. There is nothing good under the surface. Everything is just a front to keep a dying roster alive. Like Vadar. The only thing we wish is that Vadar would be gold so it would correlate perfectly to the Golden Pen theme. Alas, we can't have everything. How many Vosgee trades have revealed the Darkside of the league? We rest our case.