Hangin' & Bangin' Claims Prime Time using Voodoo Doll to Injure Lynch
Raffi Lalazarian
Hangin' & Bangin' has filed tampering chargers with the league claiming that Prime Time owner Ara has attempted to use a voodoo doll in order to try and injure their star running back Marshawn Lynch. Doesn't he know "beast mode" thrives on that voodooo s***?!
In the claim, managers Avo and Andre say that during the course of the past two days, they have found evidence of pins and Seattle Seahawk dolls laying around Prime Time's residence all with Lynch's number on them. Along with the pins, a letter addressed to Hangin' & Bangin' was photographed that began with the sentence, "Dear Hangin' & Kaking, please go f*** yourselves." Ara's despise of co-managers has been well documented, and this further supports that claim.
Is this the way Ara plans to try and prohibit Larry Fitzgerald from having a big statistical day?
It has been widely known that Hangin' and Bangin; has an extensive pre-game ritual that involves rubbing rabbits feet, kissing four leaf clovers, and dancing around in a circle while hoping on one leg to help garnish wins. With a strong belief in the AFFL karma that helps generate victories for managers, Dre and Avo were prime targets for Ara's Voodoo experiment.
Ara claims that the accusations are false and that he actually collects dolls for a hobby. And for those pins? They belong to his wife Taleen, as she has recently tried to get into designing dresses as a side job. After purchasing too many, she needed a few more cushions, and used Ara's dolls, but not with the intent of trying to maim Lynch.
"Why can't a man of thirty years have a doll collection without everyone getting suspicious about it," shouted Ara during a conference call Wed. afternoon. "What I do with my dolls and my pins is my business. Those co--managers need to stop blaming other managers for their ineffectiveness mayra kunem."
Late Wednesday afternoon, AFFL President of Operations Frank Samian released a statement that there have been no charges filed against Prime Time for "tactics conducted that are detrimental to the league," and while pictures and dolls are nice pieces to a puzzle, Samian claims that all evidence to this point has been entirely circumstantial. There is a high likelyhood that Ara does indeed have his own doll collection.
The AFFL Karma is very vital to a teams success, and approaching the draft, all teams are trying to get the most of it. Commissioner Lalazarian has drawn a very clear line in the sand when it comes to using the supernatural as a means to throw shade on another team.
“I'll allow the jinx, and that's it,” said Lalazarian. “We're not in the hexing business.”
Found under Ara's bed. He's 33 years old.
Investigators will continue to search Prime Time headquarters for possible Ouija boards on Thursday, but don't expect to find much of anything, except more dolls. A few barbies and a Teddy Ruxpin were found Wednesday evening under Ara's bed.
One thing is for certain, with the new year approaching, and the ongoing displeasure that Ara has expressed about teams that use two managers to function, the Prime Time vs. Hangin' and Bangin' rivalry has new life, or should we say, risen from the dead.