Hartan Mock Drafts 457 times in One Hour, Passes out, Speaks to Fantasy Gods.
Raffi Lalazarian
This time of year calls for fantasy football managers to be diligent and practice drafting on mock draft sites like yahoo or fantasyfootballcalculator.com, in order to hone their skills for when their real draft comes. Some mock draft once or twice a day. Others may do it in bunches for hours on end. Hartan did it until his Iphone exploded.
Donning a blue mask and claiming to be a Superhero named Varout, Hartan awoke from a momentary lapse in consciousness late Thursday evening with fried Iphone in hand to have completed 457 mock drafts in one hour, most certainly a world record. That equates to roughly 7 mock drafts per second, which means he must have had amazing cellphone service. Four major mobile carriers have already come out and claimed that Hartan is on their companies plan. Still, the question remains, how the heck did he do it?
Donning his "Mock Fantasy Mask," Hartan mock drafts as his Superhero alter ego.. Varout.
"I basically had more than twenty-five mock draft windows open at one time," Hartan said to reporters after he was found passed out on the sidewalk near his workplace in west la. "I would draft, click, draft, click, draft, click. Before I knew it, I was borrowing other people's Iphones and drafting on theirs. It was pretty intense."
Hartan had five Iphones, two laptops, and a palm pro of all things, all belonging to strangers who had gathered around the AFFL manager to egg him on as he went for a record. During the spontaneous mock draft marathon, strangers brought beers and funneled it down Hartan's throat so as he would not miss a millisecond of any draft. After just over an hour of drafting, the Iphone in his hand exploded, sending Hartan to the ground unconscious. That's when things got deeper than this years crop of wide receivers.
Once Hartan came too, he proclaimed to have seen the fantasy gods and had a conversation with them. He described the gods as "donning three helmets, gold, silver, bronze, and a uniform that had ever NFL teams logo and colors embroidered into it." He added that they spoke to him in numbers, numbers he understood, similar to the draft system that he had been using for years.
"I realized then that all these years, our draft system was actually channeling the Fantasy Gods. That's what they told me. They told me 'two is greater than seven, unless you go five.' It made perfect sense."
Harout's Mock drafting Super Outfit: "The Ninja Lantern.' Look for him in draft rooms today.
Medical examiners will continue to keep an eye on Hartan over the next week and he has been instructed not to mock draft for at least seven days. With the AFFL draft fast approaching on the 29th, Hartan can't afford to skip mocking during the most important time of the preseason, when teams values rise on a whim. He may need a new Iphone to do so, but look for Hartan to defy doctors orders and mock like hell over these next two weeks. Nothing is more important than the AFFL draft right now, and all eyes will be on Hartan and his number system come August 29th. Not only eyes, but apparently the tongue's of the fantasy gods as well.