WFFL Update Week 1: Japan wins Thanks to Local Farmer's Pleas to Start Cutler over RG3
Raffi Lalazarian
Shin Katsu didn't know much about football prior to Sunday, but he's now one of the top roster advisers for Japan's team.
The first week of the World Leaders Football League kicked off with a bang, with nations all over the world glued to their television screens following NFL football and calculating point totals in twelve different languages, and an abacus.
The three big winners over the weekend had to be Japan, Nicaragua, and Egypt. All three nations enjoyed blowout victories and look to be poised for big seasons.
Japan edged out Uzbekistan late Monday night, thanks to a huge day from LeVon Bell. But the ten point victory wouldn't have happened had it not been for Shin Katsu, a peasant farmer who made a last minute phone call to Prime Minister Shinzō Abe pleading to start Jay Cutler instead of RG3. Shin, whose first and last name translated mean "Truth Victorious," was brought to the capital following the weekend and will be included in all line-up decisions moving forward. Rumors quickly spread of his heroic act, and the streets of Tokyo immediately began selling shirts with his picture on it. Some are even pushing for him to run for political office. Not bad for a guy who was only growing daikon last week.
President Ortega hugs his roster adviser after defeating Russia in week 1.
The surprise of the weekend goes to Nicaragua, the team that was scolded for potentially having the worst draft in the WFFL. Despite an injury to Ben tate, and poor outing by Demiryus Thomas, team What the Manziel is going on? managed to scrap together enough of a roster to edge out Russia on MNF. Ortega reportedly ran around his mansion in his boxers shouting loudly in Spanish that "those draft grades can kiss my ass." Citizens of the tiny country flooded the streets midweek in large celebrations. When asked what were their expectations of for Nicaragua in the league, one man said that this will "be the year that Nicaragua makes their presence known in the world of sport because this sport involves no athleticism. It's purely fantasy, something Nicaraguans are good at."
Egypt crushed the competition with a weekly high, and sent Zimbabwe home with their first loss. Touchdown Tutankhamun had balance all over the roster. Maclin, Rashad Jennings, Patterson, McCoy. The line-up is loaded. President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi was so confident that he would win week one that he reportedly thought about benching his defense prior to Sunday. League officials said that if he did that, he would have incurred a fifty point penalty. Right now, Vegas has Egypt as a heavy favorite to win the whole thing at 2-1. El-Sisi has been fielding trade offers for Patterson and Maclin since Monday, but he isn't budging. Some teams have even included live Camels and cheese in the deals. Nothing doing.
Obama's reaction after being told Doug Martin had to leave with an injury. He didn't move for 25 seconds.
Super powers United States, Russia and England all fell in week one thanks to injury laden rosters. Obama was reportedly in a cabinet meeting with his staff, when he was told that Doug Martin had injured his leg and wouldn't return to action. He merely stood still for nearly twenty-five seconds processing the information, then had representatives get on the phone and begin looking for a trade partner. It was rumored that Martin would have a short leash with Obama, and that was indeed the case.
Team Crimea of Wheat didn't fair well either, as Victor Cruz's poor MNF performance sent the Vladimir Putin to the can on several occasions (Putin gets extremely nervous watching games and has more bowel movements than average when in that condition). Putin loved the idea of talking smack with the line "Cruz Missles," but he'll have to wait a little while before he can do that. The offense looks horrible. A huge day from Megatron couldn't help save a blowout loss to lowly Nicaragua. Reports claim that President Ortega even called Putin's cellphone to "rub it in," but the Russian leader merely ignored the call. Witnesses claim that Putin was scouring the waiver wire immediately after.
Lastly, England saw their opening week end in world cup soccer like fashion, with a loss to European neighbor Germany. Toby Gerhart royally screwed her Majesty and her countrymen with a sub-par day versus the Eagles. Couple that with Jordan Cameron exiting early and British Prime Minister David Cameron wasn't too happy. The controversy continued after the match, when Cameron said "at least we beat those bloody bastards 70 years ago." Germany took the high road and didn't engage in the dialogue.
Here are the final scores for week 1. (team names and countries below)
Team name and country.
- Touchdown Tutakhamun - Egypt
- What the Manziel is going on?- Nicaragua
- We Made the Trophy - China
- Crimea of Wheat - Russia
- You can Baguette on us - France
- Guess Uzbek again? - Uzbekistan
- The Real Big Ben - England
- Turn Down for Watt? - United States
- John Kuhn-el - Armenia
- Hakuhna Mattata Ryan - Zimbabwe
- The Karl Marx Brothers - Germany
- Romo wasn't built in a day - Italy
- I'll go my way, Uruguay yours - Uruguay
- U dropped a bomb on me, baby - Japan
Other Recaps:
Urguay rips France a new one
French President François Hollande reportedly slapped the adviser who had informed him that he was down thirty five points by midday Sunday. Hollande had demanded that he only be told the score if he were winning while he attended a girls dance recital. The adviser had since been released from the French Fantasy team, and Hollande is none to pleased with his teams efforts, and is considering dropping Pierre Garcon out of principle that "no French named man should ever perform that badly." Meanwhile,
Urguayans were given the entire day off of work on Wednesday. Citizens began writing thank you letters to Julio Jones, Mike Wallace, and Jordy Nelson. Good start for the lone South American country
Armenia delivers some humble pizza pie to Italy
President Sargsyan reportedly closed the doors to his office late Sunday evening and enjoyed a quiet glass of konyak alone in celebration of Armenia's victory over Italy. Team Kuhn-el was lead early by Brees, Chris Johnson, and AJ Green, but wasn't able to fully enjoy victory until Monday night, where Joique Bells three yard TD run, put Hyastan up for good. Sargsyan received a phone call from Italian President Napolitano congratulating the nation on the victory and at the same time inquiring about the availability of AJ Green. Sargysan has reportedly said that he wouldn't trade "Sev Gaystak" (black lightening) for all the garmeer pilaf (red rice) in the world. We don't expect Green to leave Giligia anytime soon.