AFFL World Leaders Draft Recap: US trades Pick with Russia; Japan Goes all-in On the Cowboys.
Raffi Lalazarian
After an intense 22 hour draft selection process that included trading picks for sanction relief, economic aid, and future nuclear proliferation agreements, the first ever AFFL World Leaders league is ready to get started. The 14 team league has been formed for competition and bragging rights, but is ultimately being used to help bring peace across the globe through fantasy football.
Held in a small pizzeria in Italy, the WFFL draft got off to a rocky start when Russia announced their team name would be Crimea of Wheat. Tempers briefly flared as the US and Ukrainian sympathizers felt slighted by the political implications of such a name. Japan also caught slack for electing to name their team U dropped a Bomb on me, referencing the US bombing of Hiroshima. After two hours, and with a brief group counsel session conducted by Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe, order was restored.
Here are the team names that were finally approved:
Uzbekistan President Karimov applauds his team "Guess Uzbek again?" being announced to the WFFL room.
- Touchdown Tutakhamun - Egypt
- What the Manziel is going on?- Nicaragua
- We Made the Trophy - China
- Crimea of Wheat - Russia
- You can Baguette on us - France
- Guess Uzbek again? - Uzbekistan
- The Real Big Ben - England
- Turn Down for Watt? - United States
- John Kuhn-el - Armenia
- Hakuhna Mattata Ryan - Zimbabwe
- The Karl Marx Brothers - Germany
- Romo wasn't built in a day - Italy
- I'll go my way, Uruguay yours - Uruguay
- U dropped a bomb on me, baby - Japan
Here is the draft breakdown of the first six rounds, complete with analysis.
Vladimir Putin went fishing for a trade, and got one with the US.
ROUND 1
1. LeSean McCoy -- Egypt
2. Demaryius Thomas – Nicaragua
3. Jamaal Charles – China
4. Jimmy Graham – USA (from Russia)
5. Matt Forte – France
6. Eddie Lacy – Uzbekistan
7. Adrian Peterson – England
8. Calvin Johnson – Russia (from USA)
9. A.J. Green – Armenia
10. Montee Ball – Zimbabwe
11. Marshawn Lynch– Germany
12. Giovani Bernard – Italy
13. Julio Jones - Uruguay
14. DeMarco Murray – Japan
NOTES: Egypt goes Lesean as they should. President El-Sisi could have gotten cute here by picking Manning, but he didn't. Cairo will be elated. Nicaragua shocks the world by taking Demeriyus Thomas at #2. Way too high. You can't make that kind of error in this kind of league. President Ortega better get the national guard out in the capital of Managua. They'll be rioting soon. Beijing erupted with joy when Charles fell to number 3. President Jinping couldn't stop smiling as his advisers shook hands in celebration. Fortune cookie answered.
The trade between Russian and the United States was an exchange of picks in the first and fourth rounds, as well as sanction relief for a conditional 8th round pick in 2016. Obama and company immediately jumped on Graham. Putin was reportedly "stoked" that he got Megatron. That fit just seems too scary. France was rumored to be targeting Forte because of the pronunciation of his name. They loved the silent 'e,' and they got him at 5. Nice value for England getting AP that late. Watching him run last year in London surely paid off.
While a guy named Giovani seems like a perfect fit for team Italy, you have to question taking him over Demarco Murray. Germany looks to have reached for Lynch as well. In a PPR league, Deutschland isn't going to get the return on investment they hope, especially with Robert Turbin eating into the work load. Japan finishes the round in style, getting Demarco Murray at great value. Prime Minister Shinzo Abe celebrated the pick sharing a glass of sake with his draft cabinet.
ROUND 2
15. Dez Bryant – Japan
16. Jordy Nelson – Uruguay
17. Antonio Brown – Italy
18. Brandon Marshall – Germany
19. Andre Ellington– Zimbabwe
20. Alshon Jeffery – Armenia
21. Doug Martin – USA
22. Randall Cobb – England
23. Vincent Jackson – Uzbekistan
24. Pierre Garcon – France
25. Rob Gronkowski – Russia
26. Julius Thomas – China
27. Michael Floyd – Nicaragua
28. Keenan Allen– Egypt
NOTES: Japan goes all-in on the Cowboys, getting great value with Dez Bryant at the top of the 15th. As soon as Japan called out the pick, Presidents from other countries began scolding at their staffs, giving the impression that some may have forgotten about Dez. We don't know if anyone was fired or executed yet. Uruguay was reportedly about to take Jordy in the first round, but President Mujica overruled his staff and said to hold off until "despues de la giro," or after the twist. It paid off. Nice to get Julio and Jordy. The worlds poorest President just struck it rich.
It was clear after the Antonio Brown selection that Italy is targeting players with Italian names. The trend continues later as well. But Brown is a good pick despite his Italian roots. Hyestan gets a nice tandem WR in Alshon Jeffery. President Sargsyan cracked open a bottle of Kotayk Beer and high-fived his VP. Cobb to England is no surprise, as is Garcon to France. Both seem to be fit right in for obvious reasons.
Russia takes a huge risk by taking Gronkowski over Julius Thomas. That's been Russia's MO the last few months, but we question the move of a banged-up Gronk that high. Nicaragua seems to be all over the map in the draft, and we are questioning whether President Ortega and his staff really amply prepared for this moment. Michael Floyd is a great player with upside, but taking him in the second? Can't validate the pick that high.
ROUND 3
29. Cordarrelle Patterson-- Egypt
30. Arian Foster– Nicaragua
31. Roddy White – China
32. Victor Cruz – Russia
33. Alfred Morris – France
34. Peyton Manning – Uzbekistan
35. Toby Gerhart – England
36. Zac Stacy– USA
37. Drew Brees – Armenia
38. Michael Crabtree – Zimbabwe
39. Aaron Rodgers – Germany
40. Andre Johnson – Italy
41. Percy Harvin – Uruguay
42. Le’Veon Bell – Japan
NOTES: When Patterson went off the board to Egypt, you could hear a collective groan throughout the room. Norv Tuner's name was mentioned in about eight different dialects. Good for Cairo for recognizing the upside. They're going about this draft like a camel in the desert, slow, methodical, and with their balls swingin' free. Nicaragua is on tilt. Foster is banged up and really doesn't figure to have much upside. So far nothing but reaches and low upside picks for the small nation.
French President Francois Hollande celebrates drafting Alfred Morris.
When the Russian delegate called out Victor Cruz's name by saying "Wictor Cruz," there was a noticeable giggle. Putin then intervened and corrected his statesman by pronouncing the 'v' sound. Didn't like the pronunciation, and don't like that pick. Uzbekistan shows a strong play by taking Peyton. President Karimov called this pick "the one I had been dreaming about." Manning is great value in the mid-third. It also set off a mini QB run, as Armenia jumped into the fray taking Drew Brees. They get style points for the way they announced their pick. Sargsyan had famous Armenian singer Harout Pampookjian's song "Sareree Kamee"(the Moutain Wind) play during the pick. Very creative.
You gotta love Zimbabwe taking Michael Crabtree in the third. Should have a huge year. Italy once again adds to their first name Italy team, but his time with great value. Andre Johnson should be set for a great year despite the questions at quarterback. Japan ends the round with LeVeon Bell. Gotta wonder if Prime Minister Shinzo Abe wasn't starting to feel a little tipsy after all the sake the Japan draft committee drank in round two.
ROUND 4
43. Torrey Smith – Germany (from Japan)
44. Larry Fitzgerald – Uruguay
45. C.J. Spiller – Italy
46. Wes Welker – Japan (via Germany)
47. Ryan Mathews – Zimbabwe
48. Joique Bell – Armenia
49. T.Y. Hilton – Russia (via USA)
50. Julian Edelman– England
51. Shane Vereen – Uzbekistan
52. Reggie Bush– France
53. Bishop Sankey – USA (via Russia)
54. Kendall Wright – China
55. Eric Decker – Nicaragua
56. Rashad Jennings– Egypt
NOTES: The round began with a World War II trade, as Japan and Germany swapped spots and exchanged 7th round picks in the process. German Chancellor Merkel was reportedly pleading with Germany's draft committee to "go get za Raven, ya." They did. Spiller to Italy was a surprise, especially with Vereen on the board. Why not go the PPR upside guy? The Vatican reportedly was pushing for Bishop Sankey, but they were informed that he isn't actually a Bishop and backed down. Julian Edelman should be brilliant for England, as well as TY for the USA. Both nice picks in the round.
Many believe that Bishop Sankey was taken to appease Russian Chess Champion Kasparov, but no definitive word on that up to this point.
China took 3 minutes to announce Kendall Wrights name as they kept fumbling through the rolling of the 'r' sounds and 'l' sounds. Eventually the Chinese delegate pointed to a picture of Kendall and said, "we take him." Lot's of upside for the Titans WR.
Decker had a huge year last year, but once again I don't understand what Nicaragua is doing reaching for Wr's. Ortega seems content on simply taking guys at the top of his wide receiver board, even though he should be targeting other positions. Don't like what Nicaragua is doing at all. They don't look to be a player in this league. Rashad Jennings to Egypt is a nice pick. Cairo continues to get great value. Mashallah.
ROUND 5
57. Jeremy Maclin -- Egypt
58. Ben Tate – Nicaragua
59. Golden Tate– China
60. DeSean Jackson – Russia
61. Marques Colston– France
62. Fred Jackson – Uzbekistan
63. Jordan Cameron – England
64. Frank Gore – USA
65. Chris Johnson – Armenia
66. Terrance Williams – Zimbabwe
67. Brandin Cooks – Germany
68. Mike Wallace– Uruguay
69. Vernon Davis – Italy
70. Emmanuel Sanders – Japan
NOTES: We finally get the answer to the secret question, what sleeper did Zimbabwe's President want in the 5th round that he wouldn't trade the pick? The answer: Terrance Williams. He is the player that will become "a giant amongst Giants." Cowboys do play the giants twice this year so I'm guessing President Mugbe consulted with a shaman before the selection. Interesting stuff. The upside is definitely there.
President Mugbe's using his poker face just a few picks prior to taking Terrence Williams to throw off the scent. Amazing
Nicaragua gets on the board with Ben Tate, and their starting line-up is as follows: Demiryus Thomas, Michael Floyd, Eric Decker, Arian Foster, Ben Tate. Uninspiring to say the least. They could be the early favorite for this leagues farm system, usually reserved for the team that is eliminated from contention the soonest. President Ortega didn't seem to think so, as he spent most of the round smiling victoriously as his staff lit up cigars, no doubt Cuban.
Marques Colston to France makes that three French named players for Les Blues. Brees should still have eyes for Colston so that is a solid value pick in the fifth. Ironically, the land of the Golden sun gets Golden Tate. Should be primed for a big year. It doesn't get more USA than Frank Gore. Steady. Reliable. Durable. All heart. Obama and company were reportedly so thrilled with this pick, that Obama canceled his massage, golf session, and tea time with Biden to stick around for the rest of the draft. Many thought he would leave after the 5th round.
Japan's pick of Emmanual Sanders had some controversy to it. When announcing the selection, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe began to announce Trent Richardson's name, but quickly changed before finishing to Emmanual Sanders. A shouting match then occurred between Uzbekistan and Japan which included President Karimov blasting Japan for lagging on the railway agreement that would link the east Asian countries to Europe. It then unraveled into a political discussion and accusations of cheating during the Japanese defeat of the Uzbekistani team in soccer this past year 1-0. Prime Minister Shinzo Abe had had his share of Sake at this point, and began taking off his jacket, threatening to fight Karimov. Karimov obliged, and the two men went to the center of the room, chest-to-chest, until their respective staffs separated the two leaders. When order was restored, Sanders was awarded to Japan, and more Sake was served.
ROUND 6
71. Stevan Ridley –Japan
72. Carlos Hyde – Italy
73. Trent Richardson – Uruguay
74. Lamar Miller – Germany
75. Justin Hunter – Zimbabwe
76. Jeremy Hill – Armenia
77. Andrew Luck – USA
78. Rueben Randle – England
79. Pierre Thomas– Uzbekistan
80. Greg Olsen – France
81. Steven Jackson – Russia
82. Devonta Freeman – China
83. DeAndre Hopkins – Nicaragua
84. Maurice Jones-Drew – Egypt
NOTES: Japan's sake binge started to take its toll this round, as their draft committee began belligerently shouting out names in succession until unanimously belting out a drinking song using Stevan Ridley's name. They were thus awarded that pick.
Uruguay was reportedly in the market for a running back, but you have to wonder if Jeremy Hill's upside would have been a better pick than Richardson. Don't like the risk on Richardson, especially when you have quality Rbs still there.
An African nation takes a Hunter. Go figure. Great upside pick for President Mugbe. Zimbabwe is killing the draft.
Uzbekistan jumps France to take Pierre at #79. The french were peeved when the pick was announced and began flinging nutella at President Karimov. In retaliation, Uzbekistan took out a few loafs of bread and calmly began eating Nutella sandwiches. It was quite a scene.
A confused President Ortega as he looks at his draft board, which was written with crayon.
It's obvious at this point that Nicaragua has no idea what it's doing. DeAndre Hopikins in the 6th is way to high. Not surprisingly, President Ortega was in the can when this pick was made, absolving himself from any responsibility. We wouldn't be surprised if they take a kicker in the next round.
ROUND 7
85. Terrance West -- Egypt
86. Bernard Pierce – Nicaragua
87. Reggie Wayne – China
88. Matthew Stafford – Russia
89. Kyle Rudolph – France
90. Jason Witten – Uzbekistan
91. Ray Rice – England
92. Kelvin Benjamin – USA
93. Josh Gordon – Armenia
94. Zach Ertz – Zimbabwe
95. Jordan Reed – Germany
96. Dennis Pitta – Uruguay
97. Markus Wheaton – Italy
98. Jay Cutler – Japan
NOTES: Russia gets a mini-coup by taking Stafford in the seventh round to pair with Megatron. Putin was reportedly so happy that he had the Lions duo that he gave his KGB force the rest of the evening off. They reportedly took a group trip to the movies to see Guardians of the Galaxy.
President of Germany inadvertently flips the Italian team the bird.
The excitement in the round took off when German President Joachim Guack used his middle finger as a thinking tool, aiming it directly at Italy's draft group. The italian's lost their cool, and demanded that Germany be given a penalty. Guack said he meant nothing by the gesture, only to continue doing it again and again. The Italians were livid. Uruguay and Japan tried to calm the Italian team and convince them it was an accident. They didn't take it too well.
Italian Giorgio Napolitano has remained quiet through most of the draft, but couldn't contain his excitement when their selection of Markus Wheaton was announced. He stood up and pointed at Uruguay, Germany, and Japan, shouting to each "Vaffanculo," which is Italian for "eff you." He calmly sat back down and went back to drinking his Merlot.
Armenia gambled on the suspension to Gordon being reduced and lost. They are currently petitioning the WFFL to become a keeper league to salvage the pick. Being that they are Armenian, it could very well become one soon.
ROUND 8
99. Ladarius Green – Japan
100. Jordan Matthews – Italy
101. Sammy Watkins – Uruguay
102. Mike Evans – Germany
103. Riley Cooper – Zimbabwe
104. Danny Woodhead – Armenia
105. Travis Kelce – USA
106. Greg Jennings – England
107. Kenny Britt – Uzbekistan
108. Cecil Shorts – France
109. Mark Ingram – Russia
110. Tony Romo – China
111. Knile Davis – Nicaragua
112. Andre Williams – Egypt
NOTES: Japan's pick of Ladarius Green was actually made by Italy, who read it off a piece of paper held by one of the Japanese draft members who were passed out on the floor. The entire Japanese group lay on the carpet floor, in a drunken coma from their sake celebration. Numerous attempts were made to wake the group, but all the men were knocked out and wouldn't budge. Japan went on auto draft the rest of the way.
Obama and Biden got into a bit of a heated argument over who to take at 105. Obama wanted Andre Williams, because he reminded him of a boy he grew up with in Africa, while Biden pushed for Kelce. Ultimately, they rock, paper, scissored for it, and Biden won. Better he did, as this could have refueled the birth certificate debate.
England didn't even know who Greg Jennings was, only that they had saw him in London a year ago "Kick the bloody hell out of the Steelers of Pittsburgh." The English are trying to get the most out of one game any way they can.
China called the pick for Tony Lomo. It took five minutes before anyone realized that was Romo.
ROUND 9
113. Ahmad Bradshaw- Egypt
114. Dwayne Bowe -– Nicaraguay
115. Khiry Robinson – China
116. Kenny Stills – Russia
117. Brian Hartline – France
118. Donald Brown – Uzbekistan
119. Tom Brady – England
120. Aaron Dobson –USA
121. Hakeem Nicks – Armenia
122. Colin Kaepernick – Zimbabwe
123. Jarrett Boykin – Germany
124. Darren Sproles – Uruguay
125. Lance Dunbar – Italy
126. LeGarrette Blount – Japan
NOTES: Egypt opts for the closest Arabic sounding name of the round with Ahmad. Nice value. Could potentially earn his way to a starting role if Richardson can't produce. England and the USA are allies and it shows. After Brady goes to England at 119, Obama tries to brown nose a bit by taking Dobson at 120. It was an obvious kiss-up move.
Urguay's President Mujica didn't know that Sproles was on the Eagles when he drafted him. He was against this pick because he thought the Saints backfield was too crowded. It took his staff fifteen minutes to assure him that Sproles is no longer on the Eagles. Refusing to believe pictures shown to him, Mujica eventually gave in, but then asked why? Why was he no long on the Saints? The staff had no answer.
ROUND 10
127. Danny Amendola – Japan
128. DeAngelo Williams– Italy
129. Nick Foles – Uruguay
130. Kenbrell Thompkins – Germany
131. Knowshon Moreno– Zimbabwe
132. Martellus Bennett – Armenia
133. James White – USA
134. Cam Newton– England
135. Jonathan Grimes – Uzbekistan
136. Marqise Lee – France
137. Anquan Boldin – Russia
138. Tavon Austin – China
139. Jarett Boykins– Nicaragua
140. Matt Ryan – Egypt
NOTES: Three quarterbacks flew off the boards this round, and it was spurred on by England, who thought that Cam Newton was co-founder of Fig newtons. They were disappointed when they found out the truth.
Names continued to stick with cultural themes this round, as Deangelo went to Italy, Marqise went to France, and James White went to the USA, home of the honkies. Yee haw.
ROUND 11
141. Heath Miller -- Egypt
142. Darren McFadden –Nicaragua
143. Steve Smith – China
144. Andrew Hawkins – Russia
145. Shonn Greene – France
146. Malcom Floyd – Uzbekistan
147. Cody Latimer – England
148. James Jones – USA
149. Jonathan Stewart – Armenia
150. Ronnie Hillman – Zimbabwe
151. Robert Turbin – Germany
152. Seattle D –Uruguay
153. Marvin Jones – Italy
154. Robert Griffin III – Japan
NOTES: At this point in the draft, teams were scrambling to find enough names to even fill out on cards. Many countries didn't think they would last until this point in the draft, as evidence of Japan passing out and going on Auto pick.
Italy's President was busy scarfing down a veggie lovers pizza while making the Marvin Jones pick. We don't think he knew he was injured.
Looking for upside, a few teams did well for themselves. Hawkins is a great selection for Team Putin. They will love the slot receiver a few times this year as he figures to be a primary target with Gordon out. Italy took an injured Marvin Jones, but that doesn't mean he cant pay dividends later in the year. To their defense, the Italians were busy ordering pizza when they made this pick, so there could have been confusion.
ROUND 12
155. Benny Cunningham – Japan
156. Chris Polk – Italy
157. Dwayne Allen – Uruguay
158. Dexter McCluster – Germany
159. James Starks – Zimbabwe
160. Texans D – Armenia
161. Delanie Walker – USA
162. Christine Michael – England
163. Miles Austin – Uzbekistan
164. Andre Holmes – France
165. Roy Helu – Russia
166. Bryce Brown – China
167. Russell Wilson – Nicaragua
168. Mike Williams – Egypt
NOTES: Nicaragua finally scores with a value pick! Russell Wilson is great in the twelfth as a number one QB. President Ortega didn't even know the pick happened. He was outside smoking and trying to work a trade with Uzbekistan for Peyton Manning. He offered Eric Decker along with money and arms. Uzbekistan is reportedly considering the deal.
Hyastan takes the Texans Defense second off the board. President Sargsyan dawned a cowboy hat before making the pick, then the group began dancing on the tables. They though that was their last pick of the draft. Someone had to remind them that there were two more.
France drafted Andre Holmes because they thought he was an actual home maker. A few members of their draft committee were actually looking at buying real state.
ROUND 13
169. Bengals D -- Egypt
170. Brian Quick – Nicargua
171. Rams D –China
172. Panthers D – Russia
173. Philip Rivers – France
174. Mohamed Sanu – Uzbekistan
175. Odell Beckham – England
176. Patriots D – USA
177. Antonio Gates – Armenia
178. Stephen Gostkowski – Zimbabwe
179. Tyler Eifert– Germany
180. Johnny Manziel – Uruguay
181. 49ers D – Italy
182. Chris Ivory – Japan
NOTES: Uzbekistan is predominately a Muslim country, and they were determined not to let any player named Mohamed fall past them. He not only shares his name with a prophet, but he's a good receiver too.
Ironic that Manziel, the poor mans upside qb goes to the country with the poorest President. Mujica was elated when he got Johnny football. Could surprise a lot of people. You never know.
President Ortega glares at his draft administrator post draft after he is told they forgot to draft a tight end.
ROUND 14
183. Denver D – Japan
184. Garrett Graham – Italy
185. Ka’Deem Carey – Uruguay
186. Cardinals D – Germany
187. Jets D – Zimbabwe
188. Matt Prater – Armenia
189. Justin Tucker – USA
190. Davante Adams – England
191. Harry Douglas – Uzbekistan
192. Lions D – France
193. Shayne Graham – Russia
194. Phil Dawson – China
195. Adam Vinatieri – Nicaragua
196. Mason Crosby – Egypt
NOTES: The draft ends with a flurry of defenses and kickers. Countries immediately began praising their draft as the greatest. Reporters flocked to leaders to get their post-draft reaciton and almost all said that they had won the draft.
We will soon find out which country will be the WFFL champion. All I know is, it's not looking good for Nicaragua.